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| today I have become aware of a phase of my life that I am going to refer to as sifting..This phase makes me at once sad,wistful, and perhaps deep down completely satisfied. But this is really deep down. I feel that God is yelling at me today, (which is a turn becuase usually it goes the other way) and telling me that i really can trust Him because He really does know what is best for me. He is showing me this by sifting through the things in my life and slowly getting rid of the ones that arn't quite good enough for me. this saddens me in some ways because people and things that I really want in my life are drifting on down through the cracks and I want them to come back but they are just out of reach through the grates and now that I see them from this perspective i see the darkness and the uglyness that they really posses and I wonder why it is only now I see this and why in the face of this loss do i only feel relief? Then I see these other things, these really shinny things that are in the middle of the sifter and realize these are what i should have in my life and the people I should always seek but I haven't thus but they have been given to me because I am loved by the maker and He wants the best for me. These are the people that are what makes the darkness of the fallen ones clear, in contrast I see how that what I want for my self is so not what is the best I could have. I am attracted to glittery objects when the true gems are just waiting to be dusted off. Then I see something on the edge of the sifter and realize that they are some really beautiful jewles and I am about to lose them because they are teatering on the brink of falling. They wouldn't fall through the holes but they are going over the side. These are beautiful spots in my life that I didnt take the time to notice and now feel that are going to be beyond me. This makes me wonder if I deserve to be loved or to have great things in my life because obvously I don't know what to do with them. I must not care enough to take good care of them. I spent my time int he corner with my glittery plastic things and didn't live life fully, then when the lights come on and I see what i am holding onto I realize that the true prizes are not in my hands but lying around me ont he floor dirty and dejected. I want to have the best but I don't deserve it. | | |
| I have been thinking lately about how much i hear and i think i understand and then at some later date i gain more information and all the sudden I completely understand. what is completely mind blowing to me is the fact that I didn't realize my partial understanding of concept originally. I THOUGHT I unerstood. I mean i probably could have reinerated the main points and argued passionately for the cause or the point or whatever. But then comes that day when you are just sitting there reading some boring required reading book and BAMB out of nowhere a sentence falls into place and a paragraph later you are are like wait a minute: go back re-read said sentence. sit. contimplate. WOW. I had been told that ages ago. I argued for that point more recently. I finally understand. i mean i get it. and then I think how dumb am I? how frequently does this happen. how many things in my life that i get do i not really understand. How many things are there that I could grasp more wholely in the future. This just makes me want to read more, to get as much information as possible from as many resources as possible so that at some point I am not arguing for a cause that is actually important and not understand it enough, not be able to relay the information as well as i could if I only GOT some little piece of information that is currently missing from my understanding of the situation. This kind of overwelms me. Then i realize that i am only human and i will not get things. I will not get dumb things and occasionally there will be some major thing that I don't get but this is ok because now I see in part but then I will see in whole. | | |
| so I don't care about the book of Revelation........ I always thought this made me a bad Christian. I mean as for as my world view goes it is enough for me to know how my life is going to end. To know that when it is over I will be in Heaven that is enough for me. I don't need to have the end of humanity figured out. Is that bad? Does that mean I am ireparably individulistic? Hmmm | | |
| I would think that I have unique charicteristics but the one that I am feeling right now I know is shared by some. Even if it is just those amungst the indi film crowd. It worries me sometimes though cause I feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest and I just want to run in circles untill I get so dizy I fall over and I can't breathe. I try to think in coherhent sentences and I can't form any. I try to read and I can't sit still. My usual cure for this is long walks with Jesus. Where it is just Him and me and I just walk and yell at him all of the thoughts in my head taht are running around at a bizillion miles per hour. And I do that until I am too tire to walk and most of the thoughts I can catch have been voiced. However, tonight I am not able to do that and I am going crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to run and jump and scream all at the same time but instead I will be content to sit here with my ipod and my leg going a million miles a minute and I can still voice all of my thoughts to the creater. | | |
| So at work one day this week this woman was in the store with her little son. He kept doing somehting on the floor that I coudnt see under the counter and she kept telling him to stand up.....finally he was like "I am hiding" and she said "honey, you are not hiding, no one is looking for you." what I want to know is: is being sought a preque for hiding. I personally think I hide from things all the time and they arn't nessasarly looking for me, but if they arn't why am I hiding, am I just hiding from myself? Is that possible? In the garden Adam and Eve hid, everyone says they didn't have to cause God coud see them everywhere but yet God asked where they were, was that God setting a presidence for this whole seeking hiding thing? Hmmm..... | | |
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